I ran outside on Monday, jogging down my town's modest, quarter-mile-long main street. There he is, still living in my childhood house: every DVD from "Yoga X" to "Kenpo X," the dumb resistance bands I still don't know how to use, and a door frame pull-up bar, which will probably rip my mom's ceiling down someday. Now that I've retreated from New York to my suburban Pittsburgh hometown, where, yeah, the gyms are closed too, Horton's all I've got. It’s like The Room of workout videos, and the trainer, Tony Horton, is Tommy Wiseau. But this one is on its own level-like if you injected steroids, HGH, and every PED you could find into a Richard Simmons jam. Sounds like every other goofy DVD workout routine, right? That’s exactly true.
Most of the videos last around 45 minutes and cover everything from a basic push-up to an atrocity of a movement called a “hackey jack." You can rest easy knowing they're not based on any kind of Alex Jones-esque pseudoscience, because your copy of P90X would be the four-millionth-something one they’ve sold. If you don’t remember the 2005 fitness phenomenon, it’s a 90-day-long workout regimen, which can be done in the comfort of your living room.
But I’d like to recommend something terrible, hilarious, devastating, and cringey: P90X. Alternatives? You could go running, panic-order a Peloton, chase your dog around the house, repeatedly pick up and put down a heavy household item for 35 minutes straight, play Wii Sports boxing, or sit on your couch and watch Rocky clips until you break a sweat. Without the option to go to the gym, many people’s fitness routines have been (forcibly) squashed.
Every Event Cancelled Because of CoronavirusĬuz bro! We have a problem.
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